The Hungering

My home has been taken over by an insatiable eating machine. I refer, of course, to my beloved Wanda. Pregancy has turned her into a sarlacc pit.

I think she’s having an affair with the fridge

I have to hand it to her; she’s still going to work every day and I know she’s be trying not to complain about the sore feet and back, and everything else that comes along with lugging a child around with you everywhere all day, but man, can that girl eat. I mean, all the time. Except when she’s peeing, which she’s doing an awful lot, too. No, scratch that — even that doesn’t stop her from devouring anything within reach. I haven’t actually seen her chowing down on the can but I did step on a sharp corner of a taco shell on the way into the shower this morning. It hurt like hell.

The Ravenous Beast

Ever see Little Shop of Horrors? I’m living it. I’ve got this ravenous monster of my own making sitting in my house bellowing “FEED ME!” every five minutes. I’ve had to be really careful when setting down plates in front of her to withdraw my arm quickly, because I’m afraid of losing a hand.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore my wife. I admire her for carrying our baby. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But if I suddenly stop posting updates, well, you’ll know what’s happened. Hopefully there will be enough left over to identify me.

Better living through chemistry

I’m doing what I can to be a good husband during what I’m sure is a difficult time for Wanda. I even whipped up a batch of hunger-eliminating energy drink for her, but when I got it home she refused to touch it. She’s got all these silly concerns that my concoction of 37 chemical compounds might be bad for the baby. Can you believe that? I mean, 32 of those chemicals have been certified as safe for human consumption by the FDA. The rest might be on the “unknown” list, but come on, that means it’s at least 86% non-toxic.

Michelle Obama would be proud

Instead, she’s decided she’s only going to eat food from reputable stores, and produce from the non-GMO, pesticide-free section of her garden. It’s a tiny little section, but it’s there. Well, it’s there for now. I fully expect the plants to be completely decimated before the week is up at the rate Wanda’s eating things. She’s friggin’ Pac Man, I tell you.

At this point, we’re about halfway through the gestation process, and I’m not sure this is sustainable. I’m going to have to start having food air-dropped every few hours if this keeps up. A black hole has formed inside my wife. For now, it’s just food, but soon even light won’t be able to escape her gravitational pull.

In the Midnight Hour, More! More! More!

Sorry, I’ve got to run. We’re out of yogurt. I hope the ferry is still running at this hour. Running out of yogurt is bad.

Two New Friends

The bun in Wanda’s oven has begun rising. To continue the baked goods references, I’ll mention that she’s bearing a striking resemblance to the Pillsbury Dough Boy, though unlike that jolly corporate mascot I’ve found poking Wanda in the belly doesn’t often result in a giggle so much as a slap to the side of my head.

Poppin’ Fresh

Honestly, I think pregnancy looks great on her. Sure, she’s a bit more round than I’m used to, but how could I not look at the woman carrying our child and not think she’s the most wondrous thing in the world? She’s like some kind of walking miracle… not that she hasn’t always been one. And, let’s face it, Wanda is hotness incarnate. She could have a belly like Seth Rogen and she’d make it look good.

We talked about finding out whether it’s a boy or a girl, but after lengthy discussion we’ve decided we’d rather not know ahead of time. Maybe we’re overthinking it, but the world is full of prejudices and preconceptions, and we think it’d be nice if our child came into this world without any expectations on day one.  Maybe it’s silly, but it’s what we’ve decided together.

Speaking of mysteries, a short while back I got a call from Peter Crockett asking if I’d mind if he came by for a visit. If you’ve been following along, you may recognize that name. He showed up at our birthday party and I couldn’t remember where I’d met him before.

The mysterious Mr. Crockett

I now know we met at Omniscience. When he told me he’d met me while he was doing a tour of the facility, I went back and look at my past entries here, and sure enough, there he was. I think I remember now having a discussion with him about genetics or something. I have no idea how he got my number, but he does know where I work and plenty of people there have it. Someone was probably a bit loose with my personal information.

Still, remembering where we’d met didn’t explain why he was suddenly asking to visit my home. He seemed like a friendly enough guy, though, and we geeks are a naturally curious sort, so I told him to come on by.

It was a nice enough afternoon. We chatted quite a bit about inconsequential stuff, Wanda made some terrific fish and chips, and we played a little cards. Peter and I had a few beers and talked about guy stuff like football and roofing materials. It was all very friendly, and by the end of the day I felt like I’d made a new friend.

Selfie Time!

Still, as the day came to its eventual end, I realized I still had no idea why Peter had wanted to visit. I finally just came right out and asked him.

You know, it’s the oddest thing, but I can’t for the life of my remember what the answer was. Must be all the beer.

Genesis

I woke up this morning with a start. Still very drowsy and not quite awake, I was aware that something loud had just happened, but my sleep-addled brain refused to comprehend what it was.

The wake-up call

As I approached full consciousness, I started to realize that the sound had come from the general direction of the master bathroom (which is the only bathroom, but that makes it sound much more impressive, doesn’t it?), and that the sound that had awakened me had been a scream. Then it dawned on me that it had come from Wanda.

OK, now I was awake, and thoroughly panicked. My wife and the one great love of my life was not in bed, and had just screamed from the next room. My adrenaline levels immediately shot up, and I pounced out of bed and started running for the bathroom at a full sprint.

Mystery Solved

Just outside the bathroom, I almost crashed headlong into Wanda as she was coming out. Something here was obviously not the worst-case scenario I’d been running through my head, because Wanda was smiling. No, she was absolutely grinning.

“Are you OK, Wanda?” I was still panicked, but now I was also a little confused. “What happened in there?”

Wanda laughed. She was obviously fine, but a good panic mode takes some time to wear down. As it became clear to me that Wanda didn’t need to be rescued, I started shaking. Too much adrenaline with no place to go, I suppose.

“Oh, honey,” Wanda chuckled. “You’re obviously in no condition for this, but…”

She held up a small white object. It didn’t register at first since it wasn’t something with which I’ve got much first-hand familiarity… I’d actually never seen one before. It was long and thin, like a thermometer, and made of white plastic. About halfway down its length was a small window, almost like a display screen.  It had a “+” symbol on it.

I suddenly felt weak in the knees and I think I might have been about to pass out.

“Let’s get you outside,” Wanda suggested. “You look like you could use some air.”

The Mommy & Daddy-to-Be

We headed to the backyard, and as soon as I felt like I could hold up my own weight again, I wrapped my arms around Wanda. I held her close for a good, long time, then kissed her neck.

“I’m going to be a father,” I said, master of the obvious that I am.

“Yes, you are, Edison. And I’m going to be a mother,” Wanda teased. “Is that an amazing coincidence or what?”

The initial shock was finally beginning to wear off, and was slowly being replaced with a million other feelings. Love. Joy. Fear. Insecurity. Pride. I just can’t describe how it feels to be told you’re about to be a parent. It’s overwhelming, and exciting, and terrifying.

Also, it looks like there’ll be a lot more construction in my very near future. This little gray box Wanda and I live in is going to need at least one more room.